Dating Advice For Real People

Finding Bliss #3 (3 part series)

2011-08-19T09:50:00.000-07:00

Earlier this year, I flushed the toilet on a lot of dead-end boys and just decided to start fresh. After making this space and being pretty centered, I met a few guys, but one of them really wanted to be in a relationship. While that never happened, I did date him and at least entertained the idea on occasion. Why not? He was a good-looking, very nice, very “into me” guy. There was decent enough chemistry and we got along well. We even both had a similar philosophical perspective, which is kind of hard to find in the fairly homogeneous state of UT. I should have been excited, right? Well, I just wasn’t feeling it. I tried, I really did. I was kind of ready for a real relationship and had been feeling like I was going to have one, but I just couldn’t get into him. I hung on for a week or two and wondered what my problem was. In fact, I seriously chewed myself out on more than one occasion. “What is wrong with you?” I’d chastise myself: “Here, you have a great guy who is crazy about you and would do anything for you and you ‘Aren’t feeling it’? Sure, he’s not perfect, but ‘Hello!’ Have you looked in the mirror lately? You aren’t perfect either! Not to mention you’re getting older and there aren’t a lot of good options out there….” and on and on. While I made some good points, I also realized a lot of my arguments were related to my own self doubt. Hmmmm…… Still, what gives me the right to quantify the value of another human being? I was being an elitist snob, right? Well, in day to day interactions, I would say that is true, but when it comes to selecting a LIFE PARTNER, the one you are going to share everything with, the one who has an all-access pass to you and your family, I decided it was totally justified. Furthermore, I didn’t escape a horrible marriage, go through all the pains of liberating myself and make all this progress to end up with a guy that was simply “good enough”. Yes, he was a GOOD guy; he just wasn’t the RIGHT one for ME.

So, like the snob that I was, I walked away from that “Good Guy” and hoped to God the “Right Guy” existed somewhere, and that at some point we would meet each other. It’s always scary to take those kinds of risks, but I ultimately knew from experience it was a lot easier to be on my own than to be in a bad relationship. Well, the timing must have been right, because, within a week, I got a call from someone I’d met and talked to briefly at the “Don’t Forget the Pepper Spray” release party, of all places. He was a friend of a friend and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out. Sure, why not? I was un-entangled. Well, short story shorter, we hit it off like nothing I’ve ever experienced and we are still as blissfully happy as the day the magic hit us. And better yet? He’s so well suited to me it’s unreal. Obviously no one knows what the future has in store, but right now, I can’t imagine being any happier.

Two things had to happen though for all this ridiculous happiness to take place.
1. I had to have room for Mr. Right. Had I still been entertaining things with the “Good Guy” or stuck it out with him because I didn’t think I could find anyone better, none of all this bliss with the “Right Guy” would have been possible. This goes for people stuck in dead-end relationships, people still pining over ex lover's and all the other toxic ways people jam up their emotional space. Make lots of room for the right one and they will come!!!!

2. I had to love myself enough to know I not only deserved better, but that it was crucial to my future. When you're in a desert, it's really hard to leave a pond in hopes that you'll find a lake. But, ponds dry up and what you really need in long-term relationships is a lake. You need someone that will last for the long haul, through all the droughts and storms life brings you. This is something I wish I knew when I was younger!
Good isn’t good enough for me and it isn’t good enough for YOU either. Marriages/relationships are hard, and unless it’s exceptional, it’s going to be hard to make it. Love yourself enough to know you deserve the best. Don't settle for anything less than butterflies and fireworks!!!! Go for your smartest, biggest dreams, and while you may not get them all entirely (yet), you’ll sure get a lot closer and can build your way to love heaven from there.

Other Top Three Tips: 1. “The Biggest Love of Your Life: Yourself” and 2. “Making Space”

Finding Bliss #2 (3 Part Series)

2011-07-14T14:11:00.000-07:00

Despite what some people may say, I believe it is more natural for us as human beings to be monogamous. Now, I don’t think that has anything to do with a marriage certificate or specific gender. I think how relationships look and are bound is up to the couple involved in it and it should have nothing to do with what society says is “normal” or “acceptable”. Honestly, I don’t know where anyone thinks it’s their business to define someone else’s life for them, but that’s another subject entirely. What’s on my mind today is this notion of space. And how the whole being “monogamous” and “space” are related is this: In my experience and observation, we as humans, because of being naturally monogamous, really only have space for one deep, fulfilling, romantic relationship at a time. This is of course different from those shallower “getting to know you” dates where you may be dating multiple people as you sift through options in search of the one that just might stick (I just wanted to make sure we were all on the same page here).

So, if any of you read my “Truth Experiment”, you’ll know I spent a lot of November and December juggling lots of silly boys. Quite honestly, I did it most of last year. Part of it was accidental and part of it was intentionally experimental and what it confirmed was what I suspected- and that is as I’ve already stated: You’ve got to make space for the right person. And this is how I know (as you Truth Experiment readers can attest to): I would date a boy, then another would add-on and with each addition, I began to notice the chance of success diminished with each one of them. It wasn’t always a matter of quantity either. Most of the time I was trying to settle down with just one, but inevitably, something would be missing; perhaps there was a trust issue, a chemistry issue, a spiritual issue, an intellectual issue or maybe there was an insufficiency of some kind. Whatever the reason, they weren’t exactly what I was looking for or I wasn’t exactly what they were looking for. So, instead of wasting anyone’s time, we would break it off. And when I say break it off; it was a good clean break emotionally. A few lingered a few weeks or so, but I would always be very emotionally uninvolved and keep in touch more out of courtesy and to kind of pad my wounded ego.

This cycle of renewal (not failure!!!) happened so often, I had it down to a science. Every time I’d break-up with someone or it failed to launch, I knew I would go into a pattern of disappointment and despondence and begin to wonder if there was anyone out there that fit. Then I’d slap myself around a bit, tell myself how pathetic I was being, that someone is probably out there, and even if he wasn’t, who gives a crap, because I was pretty awesome all on my own and have good friends and kids and so many other beautiful and wonderful and fulfilling things in my life. Then, I’d set out to enjoy what I already had with no expectations other than to enjoy my freaking awesome, beautiful life. And, I’d be HAPPY again.

Now, during this cycle of renewal, I had opportunities to rebound. Fortunately, by last year I'd already learned and knew better. I knew the rebound opportunities weren’t what I was looking for and would just add more pain onto pain and how stupid would that be? Yeah, on RARE occasion, a SINGLE, hot make-out helped, but I knew what they were in advance and never set out to get emotionally involved in any way. And because it’s the right and decent thing to do, I only got involved with people that had the same level of interest-- a level of ZERO. And why did I set these rules for myself? Because I knew those little rebound opportunities would crowd up my space and make it harder for me to get the guy I really wanted.

So, now that the rebound business is over with, let’s get back to the part where I’m “HAPPY”. This is where space= jackpot. Once I was happy and genuinely content, a new guy would ALWAYS come around. And not just any guy, but a fairly decent one. And, being un-entangled (no attachments, no rebound), I could enjoy them and explore the possibilities unencumbered. And you know what? Every round I got someone different and most times, a little better. But here’s the thing--aside from my neurotic cycle, the main constant was that no one decent came along until I was HEALTHY and had SPACE for them.

I will argue through to my dying day that in order to have a chance at a deep, beautiful, meaningful, mind-blowing relationship, you need to create space for it. That means don’t try to seriously date more than one person, or, if you’re dating one person seriously that isn’t quite right in the hopes that maybe someone better will come along, STOP. It’s never going to happen. All you are doing is imprisoning yourself in mediocre relationships. If you want to be happy, BLISSFULLY HAPPY, risk being alone for a little bit, get yourself squared away, be open and wait. You and that right guy or girl will find each other eventually. I SWEAR!!!!!

Other Top 3 Tips: 1. “The Biggest Love of Your Life: Yourself”and 3. “Good Doesn’t Mean ‘Right’”

F U Hollywood. Bad Boy Fairytales Don’t Have Happy Endings

2011-06-28T10:40:00.000-07:00

So, I took my teenagers (I can’t believe I’m this old) to see Disney’s “Prom” a little while back. It was a “good girl falls for bad, brawling boy who is really nice” and blah blah blah story. And, although cliché, I was actually happy with the female characters for once- they were pretty strong in contrast to the weak, damsel in distress characters Disney usually personifies. So, I didn’t give it too much thought. Then just the other day, my daughter starts talking about her friend’s boyfriend and how he was being a jerk, but had mental issues, so her friend needed to just be more patient. After that comment, I kind of wanted to drop kick that movie into oblivion. Like any mother who wants nothing but happiness for her kids, I immediately went on a mini-rant that went something like this: “Be nice and understanding, but DON’T EVER date a guy with emotional problems. EVER!!!” My 13 year old, who is used to my quasi hippie “love everyone” attitude was taken aback. “But mom, they’re people too” she said. I was secretly very proud of her but said. “Yes they are and love them as people, but don’t marry them; all you will be doing is exchanging your happiness for theirs. They will hold you back and make life harder than it already is.”

I know, I sound like and elitist b*yatch, but here’s the reality. Hollywood likes to glamorize “bad boys” and makes them into heroes constantly, and while movies have happy endings, in real life, the bad, troubled, angry boys that play to our sympathies <A big, sarcastic “Thank you Hollywood”> often lead to our demise. I know real women that married these troubled boys and while it seemed “romantic” in the beginning, ultimately ended painfully and in some cases, violently. In respect for my friends, I won’t go into too much detail, but here’s a list of a few of the outcomes: suicide, attempted murder suicide, manslaughter, physical abuse and incest. Adding insult to injury, all of these terrible outcomes happened after years and years of struggling to get theses bad/troubled/angry boys help, properly medicated and under control. All of this hard work, years and years of pain, betrayal and abuse (children and wife) were rewarded with near death experiences, terrible losses and being left to clean up the disasters these boys left for them.

Ladies, bad boys are not a cross you want to bear. I know there are exceptions and I know everyone has equal value in the ultimate scheme of things, but when it comes to dating and ultimately choosing the guy you’re going to spend your life with, the troubled guys are best kept as friends. Support them, try to help them when it doesn’t interfere with your own happiness, but don’t go down that path. Yeah, it may seem cool when he’s up in some other guys grill defending your honor, but remember, that anger will one day be directed at you or your kids and it won’t feel cool at all. Or, say he’s not violent, but emotionally troubled. Hollywood likes to portray these guys as deep, feeling lone-wolf types in black that you feel sorry for. That gothic anti-social who does what he pleases or always needs “him time”, isn’t going to be so sexy when he is depressed, can’t keep a job and self-medicates with booze. How are you going to feel when he can’t deal with life, help you with the bills and the kids and you are left carrying the burden of everyone 24/7? And what happens when he decides to end it all because he just can’t bear his failures anymore? Is he going to leave you a terrible mess? Or worse, will he plan on taking you with him? Not so romantic.

As women, it is in our nature to be caretakers. We see the best in everyone and want to bring it out in them, I know, I’ve taken on a project or two myself. The key is seeing people for who they are, not what they could be. Continue to be supportive and kind to everyone, but don’t sabotage your own life by sharing it with someone who isn’t ready to be an equal partner emotionally. Maybe they will be healthy someday, but there are no guarantees. You could waste a lifetime having faith that someone will change, only to be left disappointed. And in the case of someone with emotional problems, you may not only waste your life for theirs, but you may lose it.

As for Hollywood: I’m sending a big “F You” your way. Stop perpetuating the pain by glamorizing troublemakers and ultimately abuse. There’s nothing pretty or cool about it.

Find Dating Bliss: #1 (3 part series)

2011-06-24T10:54:00.000-07:00

Step 1: Love Yourself
I know, I know, you’ve all heard how you should love yourself until you wanted to gag at the sheer cliché of it. And while you’ve heard it, you find it’s a nice theory, but you’ve got kids and family and maybe significant others whose needs seem to always come first. Then you think to yourself, you are the adult and that is how it should be. However, I know from experience how it feels to love everyone else but myself and unfortunately the large and painful cost of that. Falling in love starts with falling in love with yourself first, so, I'm going to start my little three-part series here.

It used to be I would bankrupt my soul by giving, giving, giving, to the point I didn’t know who I was anymore. Sure I loved my kids and family with all that I had, but when you’re bankrupt, that’s not a whole lot. In fact it’s nothing and sometimes it’s worse than nothing because that is the legacy you leave to your children and how are they going to know how to do any better if you don’t show them? Then you’re looking at generations of emotionally bankrupt people. That’s not stoic or strong, that’s stupid. Plus, giving all that you have without putting anything back has a way of making people go a little crazy.The last thing you want to be after all that sacrifice is the “crazy old man or lady” no one wants to talk to because they are just plain out of touch. It is ok to have needs!!! Diligently find out what your personal needs are and then figure out how to meet them, or as many of them as you can as if your life depended on it, because it does.

Secondly, there is this question of the personal value you assign yourself. Don't say you don't do it, we all have varying levels of self-esteem, and a lot of it is self-induced. For example, I look at myself in the mirror and I think, “Aw crap, I’m too fat.” “Where did that laugh line come from? I haven’t been laughing!” “If my complexion gets any spottier I’m going to look like a Dalmatian”. “Look at those damn varicose veins I got from carrying all those babies and those stupid genes I got from Grandma………”. Or say I happen to be feeling pretty, which happens on occasion. Then it’s the “Why am I divorced?” Or “How could I make all these stupid mistakes” and “Why am I not making more money” and all the other ways I, as a human being, un-love myself every week. Don't knock yourself so much! No one is perfect and what really matters (here come the BIG Cliche!) is what is on the inside-- your soul. And when you beat yourself up, that's what you are killing. Yes, take care of your health and do what you can to look good, but don’t place the sum of all your value on it!!!! And maybe you have made a few mistakes, but hello! Tomorrow is another day! Do better then.

And since I brought up the ugly topic, let’s just discuss it: MISTAKES. Mistakes are one of the biggest “self-love killers” out there. I know this is a DUH, but make as few of them as possible. I know it’s obvious, yet so many of us continue to consciously make them every day even though we know better. We spend too much money, we neglect things we shouldn’t, we don’t consider others feelings, blah blah blah, the list of ways we sabotage ourselves every day goes on and on and varies in degree from stupid, to more stupid, to selfish to diabolical. Don’t deny it, I know you do it. I do it too. Stop being so self-destructive, you’ll never be able to love yourself if you don’t.

We all have our issues and our problems and they go well beyond the things I’ve touched on here. The thing is, when you want to get in a relationship with someone else, YOU CAN ONLY LOVE SOMEONE ELSE AS MUCH AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF, AND WHEN IT COMES TO DATING, YOU CAN ONLY BE LOVED AS MUCH AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF: HEALTHY PEOPLE LIKE HEALTHY PEOPLE AND UNHEALTHY PEOPLE LIKE UNHEALTHY PEOPLE. This means it is imperative that you figure out how to love yourself. Sometimes that means giving yourself constructive criticism and making a list of things you need to work on and then working on them. I could list examples, but odds are they wouldn't be exactly applicable- so make your own personal list or have an honest, healthy friend make it for you. And if you've got a bit to work on, maybe that means you stop dating for a while to work on finding new ways to love yourself. The bottom line is, no matter how hard it is, you have to find a way to love yourself first. It is the most important love of your entire life!

Watch for bliss blog 2. “Making Space” 3. “Good Doesn’t Mean ‘Right’”

And as always, if you find this valuable, PLEASE SHARE!

Why and How to Break-up Without Completely Burning the Bridge

2011-06-13T16:07:00.000-07:00

Did your guy cheat on you? Is he financially irresponsible? Commitment phobic? Amazingly selfish? Or, have you just outgrown each other? These are all good reasons for saying “I’m so done!” and moving on. The question is, how do you do it without completely burning the bridge?

If your guy pulled a Tony Parker, you may feel like blowing that bridge up with a case of dynamite. Having been cheated on myself, I get it. When this happened to me, it was probably a good thing I was emotionally debilitated— otherwise I may have a rap sheet today with I dunno, vandalism or possibly vehicular manslaughter on it…..no kidding. Fortunately, I mostly kept my cool— well, aside from changing his voice mail to saying “Hi, you’ve reached Dan, and you’re only one of six women I’m sleeping with right now” and throwing all his stuff out on the front lawn in the middle of winter. Ahhh….those were good times. In hindsight however, he probably wasn’t even worth that amount of effort.

As for the other reasons mentioned or others that you might have, well, there’s rarely a reason to totally trash the bridge. It’s a small world out there and it’s probably in your best interests to keep it as amicable as possible. Besides, there are a lot of reasons to break-up, and not all of them involve him being a jerk or an idiot. In most cases, it simply wasn’t the right match and there really is no one to blame in that situation. You gave it a try; it just didn’t work, so why hate each other? Right?

As there are multiple reasons to dump a guy, there are multiple depths of relationships—some are shallow, and others run deep. So, I’m going to break it up into two categories: 1. Casual Relationships 2. Serious Relationships.

1. Casual Relationships

A lot of things I have read say don’t dump a guy on the phone or via text. While it may be the most polite thing to do, if you’ve gone out with the guy once or twice and it never got intimate, then I say a phone, text or email is ok. I’m pretty sure some people will disagree with me here, but in a world of online dating and other superficial methods of dating its just fine in my book. Half your relationship was probably via text or email anyway. Am I right?

When nothing is really set in stone, phone, text or email is less awkward for everyone. It’s like ripping off a bandage. I remember late one night, in a moment of clarity and needing to clean out the clutter, I ended four superficial relationships via text in like ten minutes. I was very polite, to the point and when I sent those texts off, I felt great. Besides, I had to do it fast— before I lost my nerve.

Now mind you, these were new, casual relationships where maybe I’d been out with them a few times and they just weren’t going anywhere. At the end of the day, it really took too much energy to communicate with them all the time and keep it going when in my heart I knew they weren’t the guys for me. So, I saved everyone a lot of time and cleaned the queue (which I highly recommend).

If you agree with me and want to embark on a technically-assisted purging, my advice is to keep it short, DON’T be insulting, and just get right to the point. If they ask why, you can tell them, just be delicate, but honest. If you texted and they call, pick it up. Just keep the conversation short and nicely make sure they know it is over and nothing is ever going to happen between you. I know you’ll want to be nice, but NO wishy-washy stuff — that’ll just give them hope and prolong your pain. Rip that band-aid off!

2. Serious Relationships

These guys are harder and it’s super easy to second guess yourself. I did it for years— I know. However, if you’re thinking about it, it probably means you’re not happy, which means you need to move on. It’s definitely not going to be easy, but I can say from experience, although you won’t find anyone that is “perfect”, holding out for the right guy is totally worth it!

When it comes to serious relationship break-ups, you need to do it in person. And, just as a side-note; when breaking up with a guy, be sure to do it in a semi-public place so you will be safe should he overreact. Even the nicest, most docile guys can be monsters when feeling hurt or attacked. Also, make sure a friend knows where you are. If they can be nearby (out of site and earshot), that’s not a bad idea either. That way you are safe and you have someone nearby to support and console you when it’s all over with.

It’s important that you don’t feel guilty about it—there’s nothing wrong with taking a role in your own happiness!!! When it comes to the break-up conversation, like with the other, keep it simple and concise. Explain why you feel the way you do and give him valid reasons for your break-up. Don’t pull any punches or do a lot of finger-pointing here— just stick to the facts. He may try to derail you with tangents, but don’t get lost in the weeds, it will not help you. He may see things very differently— be prepared for this and stay committed to the facts. Although he may not feel the same, your perception is your reality, and your perception is the relationship just isn’t working!

As you wrap up the conversation, be clear about your expectations moving forward. It will be to your advantage to make sure they know exactly where you stand. If they get emotional, be compassionate, but don’t let them suck you into a vortex of emotionalism. If he gets angry or belligerent, that’s your cue to walk away. You’ll be really grateful if you have a good friend nearby in that case.

When it comes to breaking up, you HAVE to do what’s best for you and your needs. That may sound selfish to him and even you at first, but trust me; you are doing the both of you a favor. He, like you, deserves to be with someone that is crazy about him as well as compatible. To stick around when you aren’t invested would be cheating the both of you. You see, contrary to romantic belief, things RARELY “just work out”. Nothing is just given to you. If you want to have a happy, healthy relationship, you have to OWN your role in finding the right guy— and sometimes, that means breaking up with the wrong guy to make space for the right one.

That being said, if you are still on the fence, read these blogs:

If you want more information here are a couple of books I LOVED on Amazon.com (coincidentally where our book can be found too……. J ):

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum: http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step---Step/dp/0452275350/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1290201232&sr=1-1

"It’s called a Break-Up Because it’s Broken" by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt: http://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1290201277&sr=1-1

And just because you’ll already be there:

Don’t Forget the Pepper Spray by Kristen-Marie (me): http://www.amazon.com/Forget-Pepper-Spray-Kristen-Marie/dp/0741457814/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1290201336&sr=1-1

Dating Guys Without Kids

2011-05-31T16:54:00.000-07:00

I've been told it works out. Actually, I've seen it work out and watched those pairings ride off into the marital bliss sunset. But, I think those successes are like little tricks for most of us. The successes dangle in front of us like little carrots, just enough for us to rationalize going out with "that guy without kids" even though our instincts may tell us otherwise.

I've dated three of them this year. Guy without kids #1 was in his defense, very young. Like 8 years younger than me. Had I known his age in the beginning, there's no way I'd have done it. Once I found out, I think I did it out of curiosity. Plus, he just kept coming around in all his sweetness and was so much fun. It lasted about three months and I got my first taste of feeling torn between my kids and my own desires for love and affection. Turns out one of my kids didn't like him and created trouble whenever he was around. I literally felt like my heart was being ripped right out as I was faced with having to choose between loving my kids or loving myself. Not fun. Although I was heartbroken for a lot of new reasons and my new reality, in a way, it was a relief when we split because my family could go back to normal.

Guy without kids #2 went a little differently. I met him at a random community event and it seemed to start out hot and fast. He knew I had kids and he seemed ok with it at first. But, because the whole thing was new, and learning from my last experience, I never let them meet. And, although we had a good start, I never really felt secure dating him. There was always something a little off and it was starting to wear on me. He called one night and said he didn't want to date me anymore because I had kids and there was no future. Truth be told, had he given me 15 more minutes, I'd have broken it off with him- as my "spidey" senses were going off like crazy and I was feeling a little stressed. He ended up calling a few days later though and said he'd made a mistake, but by that point, I knew it probably wouldn't recover. I was right as I caught him cheating a week later as he looked for what he perceived as greener pastures. Again, I was feeling the weight of my little ones pulling me back as I went for my own happiness and felt hurt and then a new emotion started to settle in-- a feeling of hopelessness. Was this my new future? Was I destined to be alone and without male affection while I was in my prime? It was hard to take.

So, after 2 painful failures, why would I try it a third time? A few reasons:
1. I wasn't willing to accept my plight….yet.
2. This guy was all about kids- he coached them, enjoyed their company, knew how to talk to them
3. My kids liked him (they met him before we really started "dating")
4. No one with kids was asking me out (it's only the boys without kids that ask me out it seems)
5. I kind of liked him and his quirkiness. He seemed like the nice guy.

So, things went forward and again, started out so well. Then one weekend, just as I was starting to open up and was about to get comfortable, he went limp. He invited me out with his friends and it started out good, but he got weird as the night progressed. The next night was the same, only with my friends. He just got progressively weirder as the weekend went on. I could tell I was losing him. The only confusing part was that he said the best part of his weekend was hanging with me and my kids. Huh? Good for him- for me it was my least favorite part, as I was a nervous wreck about it all falling apart because of it. Maybe it was a self-fulfilling prophesy. Anyway, it started disintegrate like it usually does the next day- the flirty texts stopped, the response time quadrupled, the communications went from several times a day to once in the morning and night, then to only at night. I could see the writing on the wall. We did eventually have "the talk" and, according to him, although we were the same age, I was too mature, already had the family and the career and he just couldn't see the value he added to my life.

While I'm not going to say it can or can't work or that I won't ever try it again, I think the odds are stacked against us as single parents to date people without kids. It can be painful and can mess around with your emotions in all sorts of new and unexpected ways. Still, if you want to go for it, be prepared to get knocked around a little bit. Or maybe, just maybe you'll be the exception and it it'll work out beautifully. Either way, good luck!!!!!

Side note: I wrote this awhile back, and while it makes some good points and brings up things you should be aware of, I recently married a guy without kids.....and it's working out beautifully. Unlike my examples, my now-husband wanted a family....and boy did he get one :)

Letting Past Fear Haunt You In the Present

2011-05-25T10:39:00.000-07:00

When you get cheated on, you are suddenly immersed in a new reality—a reality filled with shock and indescribable pain. While that in itself is horrific, the worst thing that comes with this new reality is the knowledge that someone you thought loved you so much, a person you were completely wrapped up in, would willingly hurt you. That thing that you thought would never happen to you just did and now your reality is forever changed. And no matter how long past the pain you find yourself, that new knowledge follows you everywhere, like a handicap there is no cure for.

Someone who has been cheated on knows this all too well. They also know that as much as they’d like to forget the experience, the knowledge lives on and the associated fears have a way of bubbling to the surface in new relationships. I was cheated on years ago and for me, it used to come to the surface as anxiety. When I’d start relationships and reach the point where I’d start to care, I’d get anxious and scared of getting hurt. Then, if the slightest thing happened—say I didn’t hear from the guy or he wouldn’t answer a text in what I considered a reasonable amount of time, I would get all worried and stressed out. Sometimes, this anxiety would be so high that it would literally keep me awake at night. I found that the only thing that made me feel better was to just eliminate the fear altogether; and that meant eliminating the guy. Once they were gone, so was the pain. It was very self-destructive and you can imagine how successful my track record was—let’s just say Jay Leno would have had more success hitting on Ellen. It kind of got to the point where I didn’t even want to date at all, knowing that the anxiety, the knowledge that I could be hurt would rear its ugly head at some point. It just didn’t feel worth it.

A lot of people (like me) let old pain effect their current situations. Many would describe this as letting past victimizers continue to victimize you, but the more accurate truth is you are doing this to yourself. That means, unless the cheaters continue to torment you in the present, you can’t really blame anyone else for this pain— you are the one holding on to it. However, it’s good news because it means it’s something you are keeping alive within yourself, which also means you have the power to kill it. And you kill it by recognizing it and then not feeding it. Without food, it dies. And when I say don’t feed it, I mean don’t obsess about past pain, don’t blame it for your current situation and don’t over think it. The best thing you can do, no matter how hurtful your experience was, is to either forgive the experience or at the very least, accept it as a part of your life’s journey. Then, let it go. Liberate yourself and move on.

If you don’t let go, it will haunt you and sabotage your chances of a healthy and successful relationship with someone else. Remember, your new love interest had nothing to do with what happened to you. By overreacting or holding tighter out of fear or bitterness, you are punishing them for someone else's mistake. You must let the fear/ pain/bitterness go or you will never achieve relationship bliss. Yes, you have been hurt, but let’s face it, no matter what you do, no matter how much you think about what happened to you, you don’t have any control over what other people are going to do and you cannot control the outcome, ever. You just have to accept that shizz happens and can continue to happen. The best thing you can do is be healthy yourself so you can identify those most likely to hurt you in the future and steer clear.

My closing advice? When it comes to dating, live dangerously and love fully. When you meet someone worth going for, TAKE THE LEAP. It may feel like a suicide attempt, but find comfort in the fact that if you survived betrayal once, you can survive it again. This is where your new knowledge becomes your new power. Use it!!!!

Will They Ever Change?

2011-05-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

Just this week a friend of mine posted a quote from Dr. Phil: “The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. To the extent that there's some history, you don't have to speculate, you just have to measure.” I quickly posted my sentiments in complete and resounding agreement. The truth is, however, a few years ago, I didn’t know this to be true.

My second major relationship was proof to this. I ended up with a guy that had fidelity problems while we were dating. Why I stayed with him was STUPID, however I was like a lot of people out there and saw him for who he could be rather than who he was. I was also mistakenly convinced that he loved me enough to change and I was also overconfident in the power of my love. I believed if I loved him enough and supported him enough, he could be the amazing person I saw in him. Hmmm…kind of reminds me of my first marriage. Well, no matter how much I loved him, tried to help him and tried to create a good life for him, I found out his definition of monogamy and honesty was still much different than mine. I could have dumped all the love in the world on him but it wouldn't have mattered, his cup was simply too small to recieve it. So, my rose-colored glasses cost me two years of dating on-and-off and two years of marriage on-and-off. And it was HELL the entire way. However, having done that for my abusive first marriage of nearly ten years, I was getting off easy with only wasting four years, right? And I learned a lot too....and we each have our own path...and I'm sure I'm a better person for it now...... blah blah blah. Well, that's what I tell myself at night to make myself feel better for being such an idiot-- when you spend too much time on a messed up person, rationalizations are all you ever really get out of it.

I’m not the type to just jump on any bandwagon that comes by; however, I really am with Dr. Phil when he says “The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. To the extent that there's some history, you don't have to speculate, you just have to measure.” He really said it perfectly. And when it comes to measuring, consider what I've learned through experience: the longer the past behavior, the less the likelihood they will change or have a desire to change, no matter what they say. At some point, it just becomes too big of a mountain to climb and their packs aren’t stocked enough for the journey.

Yes, I believe people can change. The question is, will they? And how many years are you willing to wait for a change when there is no guarantee it will ever come? Because lets be honest, problems of any significance take years to fully rehabilitate from, and that's with professional help. Learn from me folks, if you’re dealing with a messed up person, the best thing you can do is send them on their way. It just speeds up the process for everyone, including them. Hopefully the messed up person will figure it out, get help and enable themselves to find love and happiness in the future-- when they have the capacity to receive it. Be compassionate and kind, but don’t make their problem your burden- you’ve got enough crap to deal with in life. Besides, life is too short! Love yourself enough to go out and find someone capable of loving you back entirely!

Tattling On Cheaters

2011-05-25T09:35:00.000-07:00

If you venture out at all, eventually you will probably have the misfortune of witnessing your friend’s love interest/horizontal tango partner sampling from another platter at a restaurant or wherever you happen to be socializing. The fare is usually tasteless and the price is always too high. And as the unlucky witness, you always feel a little bit like you’ve been served some bad fish. In the last month and a half, I have been a witness to this twice and it made me want to hurl both times.

The question is, as a witness, what is your responsibility in the whole thing? I personally detest drama and it is generally my policy to just mind my own business- we’re all adults and responsible for ourselves, right? While avoidance/acceptance works for a lot of little things like friends bad eating habits, personality quirks, work ethic or whatever issues that most of us witness with our friends every day, with cheating, it’s a whole other thing. If you’re any kind of a friend, you just have to tell them. It’s the most right thing to do.

But let’s be clear here. Just because as the unfortunate witness you become by default the unfortunate messenger, it doesn’t mean you have to become an unfortunate participant. All you are responsible for is delivering the data. That’s it. Let them sort the rest out. Don’t speculate about it at length with them, don’t gossip about it, blacklist people, get involved in payback, etc. Just deliver the data and step away. What people do with the data you deliver them is their responsibility. If they want to try and drag you into it, have you retell it a hundred times, blow things out of proportion, spread it around, air their dirty laundry or have any number of self-sabotaging reactions, that is their problem and they are responsible for the outcome, not you. And should they become their own worst enemies, hopefully they won’t take you down with them. This does happen on occasion, so be prepared for that unfortunate possibility. Stepping back after delivering the data will help protect you from this to some extent, but can’t save you from it in all cases. In the end, you may lose a friend, but at least you will know you did the most right thing, and like I always say, that is the best any of us can ever do.

And if you happen to be the person that just got delivered the bad news, first, I’m so sorry *HUGs*. Secondly, don’t drag your well-meaning friend into your pain or ensuing drama. They didn’t ask to be in that position and if they delivered the bad news, it was no doubt hard for them and the fact that they did it anyway is because they cared. Sort your own issues out. And if someone legitimately cheated on you, the sorting shouldn’t be that hard— most homes these days have a garbage bin. Give them a verbal compacting and then toss their worthless asses out.